My boyfriend, "Cooper," and I started dating last fall. His parents and I get along well, but there is one person in his life who doesn't want us to be together. That would be "Claire," a close family friend who is also known as Cooper's "second mom." Cooper dated Claire's daughter for a few months a couple of years ago and I think wishes he was still dating her. Do you think I should say something to this woman, or just let it be?

BOTHERED IN ALBERTA

DEAR BOTHERED,

Hopefully you are hot and bothered otherwise I’m not sure I feel like answering your fucking question. Cooper, everyone’s favorite brand of athletic cup, must be quite the catch if you are fighting for him with some bitch’s stupid mom. Maybe Claire is wishing he’d date her daughter again so she can get in on some threeway mother-daughter action. Just tell her you’d be up for having her join in. It’s a no brainer really. She can either get it on with Cooper and her daughter or you and I would think it’s more appealing to not have to partake in incest.

SINCERELY,
ASSHOLE

Sometimes something happens that is unforgettable. It’s a moment that transcends how incredibly drunk you are and implants itself in your mind. This weekend it was the final song at karaoke – “We Are The World”. I don’t think any of us had anything to do with its selection, but we were definitely involved in its performance. As were several other people in what can only be called the most accurate karaoke rendition ever performed. I’m not going to say we did it justice, but the way we collaborated in the state we were in was unfathomable. Obviously most of you reading this weren’t there, but all you have to know is that everyone that took part considered it epic the next day.

I realize I am a day late with Shitacular Monday, but spending the day in near heat exhaustion at work due to no A/C killed any motivation I had. I debated wearing antiperspirant on my balls this morning to counteract the slick feel, but the A/C appears to be working thus far today.