Turn off your cell phone at the gym asshole. There is nothing in this world so important that can’t wait until the workout is over. The need to check your text messages after each set is fucking retarded. Plus when I walk by and accidentally drop a plate on it, it is because your fucking phone should be in your car or your locker. I know you think you look like the most popular guy in the world, but you really only actually look like a fucking retard. Plus I don’t want to pull the weight off you when you get distracted trying to lift too much and the phone bings because you have another message and you just have to get it now.

While we are at the gym how about using some antiperspirant? I would be humiliated if the girl behind the counter had to come and tell me that people are complaining about my smell. Throw your gym clothes in the laundry too. Febreeze is not a substitute for actual soap and water.

Take your fucking iPod out of your ears asshole. I know you need a soundtrack for your life but you have five senses for a reason. The ten people honking their horns at you because you are fucking with iTunes instead of driving at the green light are honking at you. The ten people on the bench screaming “Heads up!” are trying to protect you from the suicide pass you are about to receive. The bank teller shouting “I can help who's next!” is attempting to get your attention. Use your fucking ears to interact with the world around you.

Chisel open the fucking wallet too asshole. Holding up the Subway line because you want to save a dollar by ordering one sandwich and having two people order as though they are getting two separate six inch subs is fucking rude and stupid. If you each want a sub, get two six inch subs. Don’t confuse the woman behind the counter by pointing and gesturing trying to get her to make two subs on one sandwich you cheap fuck. The rest of us want to get our food and get out.

Learn how to use your fucking fancy VISA pin number asshole. I know you are obsessed with protecting each and every cent on your credit card because you have no money anyway and refusing to sign so you can use the 27 digit pin number because it is safer is fine. Just figure out the PIN and remember it. Write it down if you want to. I only the need the card number to order anything I want online or over the phone anyway. I don’t care about your pin or your signature. The woman at the McDonald’s does though. Enough to chase you out to your car and drag you back in because as soon as you got your food you put your iPod back in and ignored everyone around you. Not that anyone wants to talk to you anyway.

Be a little honest to yourself when you are looking in the mirror too...fat asshole. “Skinny” jeans are labelled as such because in order to wear them your ass must be smaller than the couch you spent most of your time on. Sending the salesperson out to keep trying “one size up” is a fucking joke. I’m not skinny. I don’t try to wear skinny jeans. Unless you are ten or built like a super model try some straight leg. Hire some fucking girls to sell me clothes too asshole. I know they make way more money working at the bars or waitressing or wherever, but if I get one more emo Asian guy telling me that the jeans will look better after I wear them a while I am going to go ape shit. I don’t want a dude asking me how things are fitting when I am trying on pants, or anything for that matter. I want a girl to tell me they look decent or give me that disgusted look all women have perfected when they don’t know how to say “You look like a fucking clown shoe in those.” And yes, I do feel a little better now, asshole.