I have some horrible news for the millions of fans out there. Vampires and werewolves do not exist. No Edward, no Jacob. Sadly no Alice either, right Bill? They are actors people. There is no Santa or Tooth Fairy either. So stop dressing like a vampire, and claiming to drink blood. Think about it. Why would blood be the only body fluid that would change you into a vampire? Why not semen? Or vampire shit? Christ. Werewolves are just as bad. Instead of just getting uncontrolled boners with puberty you get the urge to turn into a giant wolf. I’m not even going to get into it. Although I know a few dudes that turned into giants when they hit puberty none of them turned into wolves.

So stop the fight over which imaginary dude is hotter. Team Jacob and Team Edward is fucking retarded. No matter what you think, no matter what you do, neither one of those guys is ever going to come to your house and fuck you. Do you really think that if Robert Pattinson walked into the local McDonald’s and noticed you had a Team Jacob shirt on that he would be heartbroken? He was on his way to where-ever the fuck you are from and fell instantly and uncontrollably in love with you until he noticed the T-shirt with Team Jacob on it.

Christ are you people so fucking stupid? Stop living in the fantasy world. So stop the countdowns until Jacob is “legal.” He is fucking Taylor Swift. That is reality. Edward is banging Kristen Stewart. You cannot afford to even get onto their driveway, let alone into the club they party at. So the odds of you ever getting close enough for them to notice that you are wearing their shirts are virtually non-existent. Never mind the fact that they would not give a shit anyway. Step out of dream world and into the real world. Find someone who is real and attractive to you, not someone who everyone is saying is attractive because of an imaginary character in a movie.

The “Team Bill” and “Team Lance” shirts go on sale next week, and I guarantee if we see you wearing them you will have a good time. Go Team Lance!