My boyfriend, "Cooper," and I started dating last fall. His parents and I get along well, but there is one person in his life who doesn't want us to be together. That would be "Claire," a close family friend who is also known as Cooper's "second mom." Cooper dated Claire's daughter for a few months a couple of years ago and I think wishes he was still dating her. Do you think I should say something to this woman, or just let it be?

BOTHERED IN ALBERTA

DEAR BOTHERED,

Hopefully you are hot and bothered otherwise I’m not sure I feel like answering your fucking question. Cooper, everyone’s favorite brand of athletic cup, must be quite the catch if you are fighting for him with some bitch’s stupid mom. Maybe Claire is wishing he’d date her daughter again so she can get in on some threeway mother-daughter action. Just tell her you’d be up for having her join in. It’s a no brainer really. She can either get it on with Cooper and her daughter or you and I would think it’s more appealing to not have to partake in incest.

SINCERELY,
ASSHOLE

Why when attending a major sporting event is it considered okay to wear any teams jersey even if it is not related to the two teams who are playing?

In one NHL playoff broadcast between Washington and New York several Buffalo Sabre fans were shown in attendance and on a couple of occasions they actually had the audacity to hold up the emblem and make the sign for number one even when the Sabres failed to make the post-season?

Even cross sport teams are often supported with numerous baseball fans showing up to local football games. What gives?

ATTENDING IN RIGHT COLORS IN ALBERTA

DEAR NAZI,

What are the right colors you racist fuck? Do you have the when you can wear your jersey to a sports game handbook or something? I’m starting to think you’re not just a Nazi when it comes to race, but also when it comes to sports jerseys - when is the cleansing of improper jersey wearers to begin? You’re a bigger asshole than me, heck you should be writing this column instead of me.

SINCERELY,
ASSHOLE

I am a 20-year-old male living what appears to be "the dream." I have completed my bachelor's degree, and I'm starting what will more than likely be a prosperous career. Still, something important is missing.

All my life I have always felt very isolated. Although I have been able to develop "friendships," the more I progress in life the more these friendships slip away.

I have been unsuccessful in finding a mate, and I am embarrassed to still be a virgin. Is there something horribly wrong with me that drives people away?

LONELY GUY IN QUEBEC

DEAR LOSER,

What the fuck are “friendships” exactly? Are you acting out the air quotes when you say that? Maybe it’s time to drop the Dungeons and Dragons and move out of mom’s basement. I have no clue what to tell you. If you can’t get laid in Montreal I’m not sure you’ll ever get laid. Well I guess you’ll have to start budgeting the money you make at your new prosperous career and invest in some local talent. I’d double up the condoms by the way.

SINCERELY,
ASSHOLE